You can't special order awesome
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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