So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize