i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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