Can i not drive my cunt home
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
