You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You smell like stripper and shame
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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