So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
