I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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