Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
