Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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