I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
