my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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