community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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