I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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