peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize