forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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