For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize