in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Will exercising make me less horny?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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