If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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