i already hear my dad disowning me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
