fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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