They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
