I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize