you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
