I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
