I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
