She said her name was "party"
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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