The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
