The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
