i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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