What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
