can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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