Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
