It was confusing and full of hummus
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
