so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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