Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
