he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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