My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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