If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
