Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
