he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
whose parrot is this?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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