remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
