We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
