I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
