He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
