Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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