my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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