I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize