Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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