Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
