I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
