The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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