If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
