How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you didnt know i had herpes?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
