We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
