Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
