his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
