I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
