I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
